My last days in New York were surreal to say the least. Filled with goodbye after goodbye, project after project was completed, and by the end it felt as though I'd wrapped up my life and NY and the people in it no longer needed me. I'd made my choice to leave and NY was going to go on. I also became more of a believer in the power of the subtle body - particularly the chakras or energy centers of our body, because in my last few days in NY I felt as though someone had socked me hard in the sternum. My entire chest cavity felt so sore I could barely breath. I have no doubt this overly emotional time manifested itself in my body.
My last morning in NY was a cold, dewy one. I took my last trip to the post office 5 blocks away and carried a 55 pound box by myself the whole way there. I think it took all of my energy not to break down from the sheer amount of strength it took along with the hugely emotional day. When I got back I carried my bags down to the bottom floor and loaded them into the taxi, hugged my roommate goodbye and got into the taxi.
It was one of those days where you can't fully comprehend the seriousness of the magnitude of what a big deal things are as you're experiencing it. I had to take things one moment at a time - any more than that was just too much. I was leaving the city that had watched me grow up, that had made me into the woman I am, and that I loved so whole-heartedly. In a way I was leaving my life as a single women.
I'm pretty sure I slept the entire flight, although I can't remember the details.
When I arrived in Los Angeles, I picked up my bags along with my over-sized boxed bike that I had shipped. Then I loaded everything into my friend Lisal's car. I got a call from Nate saying he wasn't able to schedule to have our internet set up until next week. Which meant we couldn't hook up our network extender, which meant we wouldn't have any cable, internet or cell service and since he would be taking off to San Diego for work I'd be alone in a new city without any communication to the outside world should something happen. Basically I burst into tears and became hysterical. For anyone that's ever dealt with the stress of moving, you know even the smallest of things seem huge, when your life and sense of home are turned upside down.
Things eventually got worked out thanks to my "can't take no for an answer NY attitude". We spent the first night up in Oxnard in a Nate's dump of an apartment filled with boxes listening to the sound of the ocean just steps away. The next morning we woke up, exhausted, to the song Some Nights by the band Fun. It was cold and pouring rain. We drove to pick up the Uhaul. And then split up and I drove to Calabasas to get the keys to the apartment and sign the lease, while Nate packed up the rest of the boxes.
I remember sitting in the car, in the rain as I was about to leave Oxnard for the last time. I had left my home in NY the day before, now Nate was leaving his. Even though this move was exciting, and I was so happy to finally be able to live in the same city as the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, it was still hugely emotional. I remember the song "A Woman Like You" came on the radio, (Nate had the country station pre-programmed in my new car - country music always reminds me of him in a really good way). I remember listening to the words of the song and just sobbing in the car, thinking how lucky I was to have him, and that I was never going to be lonely again - I'd make it through the hard part and I had made it Home (in every sense of the word). I thought about all that Nate and I had given up to be where we were now. The single life, opportunities independent of each other. I also thought about all the times we put our relationship on hold to work, go out to sea, do teacher training, study. And how now was our time. I think life is all about timing. Timing is everything. And we had to wait our turn.
6 months later I still look back on those few days with a huge amount of emotion. I feel like I have a full life here now. And just for the record, I despise Los Angeles as a whole. Calabasas is alright. I love our apartment, but Los Angeles? I'm not a fan. I always thought once I left New York I'd never be back, that that chapter of my life would be over and never opened again. I'd move to California, get married, have kids, settle down. But the more time has passed, the more Nate and I make real the possibility of returning. I don't know the details, if we'd be able to afford it, what our jobs would be, where exactly we'd live (Westchester. I'd die to live in Westchester.) but we're keeping the idea out there and looking at it as a long-term goal.
But for now I'm here. I'm happy. And tonight Nate is home for the first time in 7 weeks. Having him home is the greatest thing ever. Playing ball with Pumpkin and eating guacamole while we watch the 49ers game is perfect.
And 5 weeks from yesterday we'll be having our first dance to that song - A Woman Like You, which will always remind me of that day, sitting in the car, crying. Feeling so filled with gratitude that I'd finally made it Home.
