Christmas is wonderful, and the older I get, surprisingly, the more I realize what an incredible magical holiday it is.  But I can't help but feel like something is missing.  It seems like the older I get the more the holidays become a painful reminder of how Christmas used to be.  A painful reminder that my innocent childhood days are gone, so far gone it seems like they never even existed in the first place.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.  Whether its divorce, a torn apart family, a destructive relationship, the death of a parent, or just lost traditions, I know a lot people my age are feeling this loss of how Christmas "used to be".  It makes me wonder if life was always this screwed up.  Maybe there was hate and anger hidden underneath happy family traditions even when I was young, and maybe I was just too young and innocent to see it!

Christmas my sophomore year of college was the year everything hit all at once.  My childhood was over, I no longer lived at home, and because of complicated reasons our magical family traditions we had my entire life would never be the same.  I remember going to the movies with my family and feeling this huge emptiness.

I'm probably being way over-dramatic, but sometimes it seems like all the magic of the holidays and the huge emphasis on family, only makes those who are lacking in this "family" department feel an overwhelming sense of inadequacy; a lack of belonging.  It almost seems better to just skip over the holidays rather than sit back and dwell on the painful reminder that things just aren't that good.

All of this thinking just makes me want to start over.  It makes me want to spend Christmas with Nate, who has really become my family, my best friend, and my partner in life.  It makes me want to say "to hell with it all", and start my own traditions, make my own magic and have my own family.  This lack of Christmas magic makes me want to have my own children and rekindle that fire by giving them Christmas magic.  I know this day will happen and I know things will get better, no matter how bad they seem.