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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

What's Mine is Yours

"What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine. I'm now the proud owner of 28 yoga mats!" - Nathan Buckley 

I have been officially engaged for 5 days now, and it's already been an adventure. It's been surreal, exciting, and even a little bit intimidating, like engagement and marriage are something much bigger than us.

We've already received an overwhelming amount of support and well wishes. I have so much gratitude for our amazing friends and family. We are very lucky.

I'm also filled with a huge sense of relief. Finally we can start building the life we've dreamed of together for so long now. Not to mention, the ring on my finger and my new "relationship status" have allowed us to be taken much more seriously than when I was "just a girlfriend".

To all of this I can say, it's about time! Everything feels so right and so good. I am incredibly blessed. That is all.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Merry Christmas!



I am going to marry him. 

Thursday, December 22, 2011

California here we come


We made it. 

Monday, December 19, 2011

Things Get Harder Before They Get Easier

3 more days until I fly to California for the holidays.

Unfortunately things seem to be getting harder before they can get easier.  Like getting food poisoning Saturday night. 10:00pm - 4:00am things were not pretty. So not pretty that I lost 5 whole pounds in a few hours!  Who needs a detox when you can just eat a poisonous red velvet muffin from your local bagel shop?! Let's just say Red Velvet is no longer my favorite cake.

I survived.  And when I started feeling better called Jetblue to schedule Pumpkin's flight.  I had booked mine months ago but my limited funds made me less than eager to spend the $100 for Pumpkin's reservation. Well turns out my flight has maxed out on the number of dogs it allows.

About 10 frantic phone calls later, after investigating how to change my flight and how to deal with the $100 change fee, $300 difference in airfare price, and $100 dog reservation (yes, that'a half a grand to fly the dumb dumb home for Christmas) and I was pretty dang upset.  Thanks to the third Jetblue customer service representative, I was finally given the info that the 4th and final dog on the flight must be booked the day of at the ticket counter on a first come first serve basis.  Guess whose getting to the airport 4 hours before her flight on Thursday!?

You got it! I will get Pumpkin and I home if it kills me.

Friday, December 2, 2011

20 days


20 Days 

Until I leave to spend Christmas in California with my love and my dog. 
I am counting down the seconds. 

Ready for life to start getting easier. 

Monday, November 21, 2011

"When Things Fall Apart"

Don't worry, despite the title, this blog entry is not another sad expression of me complaining about current circumstances (brooklyn rapists, cockroaches, long distance relationships).  No.  It's the name of a book.  :)

A good one.  When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. 
Uplifting, right?

I picked it up as part of an assignment for my mentor group in teacher training the weekend of the hurricane.  It's quit a powerful book too, because the day I bought it life was quit dandy.  I was happy, starting teacher training, loving my job etc.  I even remember thinking what a good book to read while things AREN'T falling apart!  Oddly enough about a half an hour after I brought the book home, things started to fall apart, remember this? Same night.

But it's a good book. And a fitting book for where I am and what I'm learning, both in teacher training and in life.  It's written from the standpoint of buddhist philosophy from a wonderfully inspiring monk named Pema Chodron (apparently everyone in the yoga world knew her except for me). The biggest lesson I'm learning, and continuing to learn is the idea of being what is- especially now.

I think she highlights it best when she says,

"Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved.  They come together and they fall apart.  Then they come together again and fall apart again.  It's just like that.  The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy." 

I'm trying to let there be room.  Or at least I've been trying for the past three months or so.  I think we create room through a yoga practice. Try to be open and ready, and accepting of all life brings us, and know that nothing in this world is permanent but impermanence and somehow making peace with that.

I've been surviving. Things have gotten easier.  Roaches go away in the winter, and I've become a fierce bitch (sorry, it's the only word that accurately describes what I'm trying to say!) who walks down the dark brooklyn streets at night in my new leather snow boots, mace and keys in hand, literally ready to kill anyone who dares threaten me.  I'm getting stronger.

I've also reconnected with a lot of people from the past, who have left, and are now back.  It's nice.  Friends from high school or freshman year who have moved to New York.

I fly home in 31 days for Christmas and have been preparing more and more each day.  Christmas songs are getting me through!  I started listening the last week in October, embarrassing.  Also I've started cooking again, baking to be specific!  And it feels great. Nate and I are spending Christmas together for the first time in 4 Christmases, and words cannot describe how excited that makes me.  I'm going to cook tons.

So life isn't so bad.  Also this is what it looks like 5 blocks from my apartment right now.  Few things are more beautiful than the Pacific North East in the Fall.







Thursday, October 13, 2011

Pumpkin Takes on California



I give you Pumpkin's first ocean-encounter.  She confused sand for snow and ate a ton of it.  She puked and pooped piles of sand for the next day. Gross. 

Monday, October 10, 2011


My recent trips to California have been both physically and emotionally draining.  They are a black and white, face-to-face, smack in the face by reality that Nate now lives in California, and I now live in New York.  It's a simple concept, yet somehow continues to pull the rug out from under me over and over again.

I'm here. In New York.  I live here with my dog Pumpkin.  My job is here and this is my "home", however recently things have felt strikingly similar to Fall 2007, the year I left California and moved to NY on my own for the first time.  I had to find a new grocery store, new friends, and create a whole new life.  Little did I know I'd be doing this 4 short years later all over again, in the same city, ironically enough.

I spent the weekend in a little studio by the ocean.  So close that I could hear the ocean as I slept at night.  Granted, the carpet has a cigarette burn and the bathtub is less than desirable, but this little studio apartment just over an hour from LA and just under 3 hours from the place I was born and raised has more love and more of a sense of family than I have ever experienced in my life.

But I'm here. In New York, in Brooklyn.  Still here!  And I'm here for a reason, until further notice, that is.  So I need to be here, enjoy this uncomfortable chapter I'm in at the moment and take it for what is it.  Finish the 300 hour program, which fulfills me enough to keep me here.  And continue to ride the roller coaster and be present with whatever life has to throw at me.

My favorite yoga teacher once said "if we broaden our sense of who we are, we might surprise ourselves".  I wrote it down after class, I loved it so much.  Lately I've been trying to broaden my sense of sense, my sense of what I want, where I want to live, what I want my future to be.  I'm trying to loosen my grip on what I "need" in every sense of the word.  I'm trying to relax a little and be ready for whatever life has to throw at me.   I think this is an excellent thing, by the way.  Most people get more hardened and stuck in their ways with age, but I'm trying to become less so.  Because if we broaden our sense of who we are, we just might surprise ourselves. 

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Single girl in the city.

The last month has not been easy...  In fact the last 3 weekends have been quite traumatic to say the least.  It all started with a little earthquake.  New York? Earthquake? I thought that was impossible. Apparently it's not, and apparently New Yorkers are not prepared. Phones stopped working, people lined the streets of fifth avenue as they evacuated their buildings, and it was the talk of the day.

Part One: A Roach & Irene
The weekend slowly approaches.  I get an email from my manager telling me to bring the deck furniture into our office Friday before "the storm". Nate asks me if I live in an "evacuation zone" and the weather channel is playing everywhere I look.  Friday approaches, my roommate leaves for the weekend, and as the day goes on the city becomes more and more anxious. The drug stores are filled with swarms of people buying crate after crate of bottled water, flashlights, batteries, and candles.  Everywhere I walk IRENE seems to be the word on everyone's lips.  I don't buy into the hysteria.  In fact I think everyone is being a little silly and should take a deep breath and CALM down.

As I leave work in Soho that day I see all of the store windows being boarded up, floor to ceiling, closed until the storm passes.  All YogaWorks studios are closed and I'm told I should "tape" up my windows so if they break they won't shatter into a million pieces.  I should also fill my bathtub with water in case the water goes out.  My flashlight is out of batteries...but they're already sold out everywhere by now.  Oh, and the trains, buses, subways will go into full shut-down mode the next day at noon, leaving me stranded in Brooklyn.

So I buy some candles, 1 bottle of water, and a glow-in-the-dark bouncy ball in case the power goes out for Pumpkin.  On my way home I buy 2 new books for Teacher Training and a brand new beautiful journal.  I am ready for a quiet weekend alone in Brooklyn with my Pup.  It's going to be OK.  In fact, it will probably be relaxing!

I get home and quickly take Pumpkin out.  Nothing in the world could have prepared me for what I see next.  On my freshly painted kitchen wall, right above our stove, I see the biggest, crunchiest, whiskery cockroach.  Roughly as long as my entire palm smack on the wall.

The hours that followed were some of the more stressful, panic-stricken hours of my life.  I tried to crush the bastard with a frying pan- and missed!  He proceeded to scurry, SO FAST, all around my kitchen, and I literally screamed and cried, summing up the courage to smack him dead.  I failed.  And after 5 minutes of watching him run through my sink, counters, and fridge, he escaped under the stove.

I stood there, in my big boots, literally covered in sweat and tears, hysterical waiting for him to come out.  I waited and waited.  And cried.  And missed Nate more than I think I ever have in my life.  He was on a boat somewhere.  Not that it even matters where he is anymore, since it's not with me and that's pretty much all I care about these days.

3 phone calls to exterminators who don't do house calls for under $300 past 11:00pm later, I barricaded myself in my room, bathrobe shoved under the door (which is still there, by the way!), refused to drink water with fear that I may have to wake up in the middle of the night and have him crawl over my feet in the dark of my apartment. PRAYING that the power doesn't go out so I don't have to be stuck alone in Brooklyn in my apartment in the DARK with a GIANT ROACH!

It was then that I went online and saw an exaggerated article on "What NYC could look like on Sunday".  It was pictures from the movie 2012, where the entire city is destroyed and underwater.  It was in that moment that I realized I was alone, it was too late to leave, and I should maybe start taking this thing seriously.  That in combination with the roach and I had been thrown over the edge.  The night that followed was a mess.

So I road to home depot the next day, and bought $40 worth of every trap, poison, bait, and spray known to kill roaches amongst the hundreds of panicked New Yorkers shoveling candles, batteries, and duct tape into their carts.

The storm past.  We survived.  And of course, it wasn't as bad as everyone had anticipated.  The giant tree in my backyard did fall, but luckily not on my window.

Part Two: A 3am Kidnapping 
The week passed, my roommate came home, and the city slowly recovered. That weekend, after my roommate broke up with her long term military boyfriend, we decided to go to her parent's house in Rochester, NY.  We rented a car and drove 6 hours to a home.  It was lovely. So lovely that we procrastinated leaving so much that we didn't pull into the New York area on Monday morning until 2:30am, after it poured rain for the entire 6 hours back, 2 accidental evaded tolls later and my phone, our only source of navigation, was dead.  We tried to figure out our way through the Brooklyn highways by ourselves when all of a sudden we saw a car slow on the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway.  I say "Kathleen, slow down - that car is stopped".  We slow down, look to the side as we pass the car and we see a woman outside of her car on the highway, screaming and crying in terror with her arms splayed our trying to get help.  Around her waste a man grabbed her and tried to get control over her.  She looked right at me with a face that I can only describe as terror and desperation. I was sure she was being kidnapped.  I quickly said "pull over! call 911".  We did. And slowly more and more cars stopped until there was a small traffic jam.  We told the police everything as we sat on the side of the highway looking back.  Then all the cars began moving again and the woman was gone.  As we got off the highway at the next exit we saw a police car enter.

This was the scariest thing I've ever witnessed in my life.  We got back to our barren Brooklyn street at 3:00am shaking and speechless. We were terrified and so worried for this woman.  We entered our dark empty apartment where the roach had been just a week before.  We unpacked and showered but couldn't get the image of this woman's face out of our minds.  I felt like I had PTSD because the image and the sounds kept replaying over and over in my mind.  I felt like I was going to throw up and barely slept that night. When I did sleep I dreamt I had to save her and kept hearing police sirens outside my window.

I have since tried to repress this night.  We did everything we could, I keep telling myself.

Part Three: 9/11 
The third weekend brings me to today.  The 10th anniversary of 9/11.  I could not imagine what it would have been like to live here when it happened 10 years ago.  The fact that there was evidence of a planned attack for today scares me, infuriates me, and saddens me.  The world we live in is so sad. How do people have such anger and hatred in their hearts?  And more importantly, how can people kill thousands of people in the name of God?

I think God is sitting up there so disappointed by how off-mark we all are down here.

It's been a pretty brutal few weeks, let me tell you!  With all the things that have happened it almost feels like God is trying to tell me to leave NY, or at least convince me that when I do leave, whenever that may be, it will be time. I feel like I am not cut out for this single girl roughing it in the city life.  Feminist in me be damned, but I need a man!  I'm ready for this chapter of my life to start wrapping up. Next weekend I get to see Nate for the first time in over a month for 12 hours before he officially leaves for California. I don't know if it's just me, but life has gotten a lot harder and A LOT scarier since he left.



Saturday, August 20, 2011

Teacher Training

I started the 300 hour professional teacher training program today.  Man, is it good to be back! Upon receiving my manual I had a flood of memories come back of the Costa Mesa YogaWorks summer of 2009, two years ago.  It felt like I was coming home again.  We had a long practice and the did a posture lab and everything we talked about and went over just reaffirmed what I know and how much I want to be here.  I have this problem where I practice, and I study, and I read my yoga books and I LOVE this stuff, and yet I feel like I know nothing. I'm learning that I know a lot more than I think I do, and I need to be okay with that.

It's so exciting being back.  I am so incredibly grateful to have such amazing teachers and mentors.  I want to savor every minute of the next 6 months.  Oh, and don't worry I'm sure this blog will get it's fair share of yoga!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Home

It's officially, I am not going to be homeless.
But I will be moving to Brooklyn, living in a room 3 times the size for hundreds less, and adding the Brooklyn Bridge to part of my daily commute to work.  And Pumpkin will have a 5 minute walk to Prospect Park (approximately the size of Central Park and awesome).

I'm starting teacher training in three weeks and I'm timidly greeting this transitionary period of my life.
Nate has been gone for a week working for a less than desirable shipping company.  He doesn't like it and neither do I.  The last week has literally felt like a month.

I can't help but long for the idea of Home.  Home stopped being the little house in Coto de Caza about two years ago.  I think that at some point it was my current apartment, but never fully.  I'm now realizing that I'm probably not going to find Home for a while.  I'll let you know once I've found it.

I'm also planning a trip.  Somewhere, anywhere!  I don't know if it's the stress of real-estate in this city, or the constant 100+ degrees days but this city has become stifling.  I now understand why everyone and their dog has a home in the Hamptons.

I'm looking at everything from Newport to Block Island to the Jersey Shore to the Hamptons.  Basically everything is out of our price range.  If anything we'll go to Virginia to meet Nate's cute little grandma.  Anything to get out of the city for a weekend!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

The Last Two Months

In the last two months I:
  • Celebrated my 23rd birthday in Little Italy. 
  • Took Restorative Yoga Teacher Training. 
  • Went to the Yoga Journal Conference. 
  • "Graduated" from college at Yankee Stadium.  
  • My family visited and we had a lovely time.
  • Nate's family visited, the nice ones as least, and we celebrated his graduation. 
  • Cooked some ahhhmazing meals, I'm getting more and more domestic each day. 
  • Nate and I went to California for almost a week! 
  • My best friend Didi got married.  It was beautiful, she was beautiful.  I love her and wish her and her husband Kasey all the happiness in the world. 
  • Nate and I visited with Lisal and Scott and lived the life of the rich and famous (well, sort of) in Glendale and ate excellent mexican food. 
  • I bought Nate rainbows so he can become a true Californian 
  • My good friend Aaron and his partner puppy-sat Pumpkin while we were gone and fell in love with her so much they decided to get a Cavalier of their own.  I gave them Pumpkin's breeder's info and they are taking home Pumpkin's real little sister in the next few months!
  • Nate spent a few weeks as stay-at-home father to pumpkin while he looked for a job 
  • Nate found a job, nothing good, nothing permanent and left 
  • I looked for an apartment with my good friend Kathleen for a solid three weeks of stress and uncertainty 
  • We CROSS OUR FINGERS found a place the other day and are waiting to be approved 
  • It's been HOT, like dangerously hot. 
  • I took Pumpkin to work with me, everyone loved her
  • I got matched with my favorite and most adored teacher for the 300 hour teacher training which I start a month from yesterday 
  • I had more than a few breakdowns 
  • I realized the next few months are going to be rough but I'm going to hold on tight and keep chugging along. 
And here's all that in pictures: 

Birthday Weekend:











Graduation: 


Emily, Kathleen and I


Eating french fries while I graduate.














Clinton Street Bakery - totally worth the wait.



Nate's Graduation Weekend: 
June Ball

Teddy took took Pumpkin into the fountain at Washington Square

















The Epic Meal I cooked: 
(It took 4.5 hours! Quite the endeavor) 
I had to remove the giblets, it was traumatic. 


Pear salad with fresh parmesan 

I made this!!! 

Rosemary potatoes 



Chardonnay Glazed Bundt Cake
(It was the best!)

4th of July in California 

Lisal and Scott's street in Glendale

Didi & Kasey




























Gourmet Smores Bar 

















And Pumpkin... 


At the office


As I write this.